Is life a fairytale?

Hy guys..

For a few months now I've started feeling lonely again, like there is a part of me missing. It's something I have been dealing with over the past years but this time I just can't really shake it off I guess.

To all my friends, you guys are not the problem, so lay your phone down and delete that text you were going to send me. 

It's just a concourse of stuff I've been dealing with these past months that are constantly bugging me. All fucking (sorry) day long. And I'm getting tired of them. Really tired.

School is not going as planned, I should have graduated this year and I have probably still 2 years to go. I had stuff to deal with in my family and I still do. For the first time in 21 year (so since I was born because next week is my 21st birthday) I couldn't go to my second home, my second favorite place on earth and enjoy the quiet and my other friends for a while. I can't enjoy my vacation (AGAIN (okay, yes, my fault)) because I have exams at the end of august. There is a chance we have to cancell our vacation in september(you never know what would happen) and I really need the sun and REST for some while. My mom keeps telling me I have to lose weight and if I just lose some weight, you know, losing weight should... BLA BLA BLA BLAAAA I want to scream SHUT THE HELL UP at her but I just can't. I love her and she has been through a rough time. We all have. And I'm just so scared all the time of losing people and animals I love. I'm afraid of losing my cat because, well, she's not the youngest anymore and she has problems with eating but I'm afraid I will completely lose it if I lost her. I scared, okay?

I'm even crying when I write this... sorry, I know you guys don't really care. I don't even know if someone is actually reading this or just scrolling through Blogger to find another blogpost. But you know what I actually don't care anymore. I just want a place to write whatever I want. To be who ever I be. To just be me.

But you know what's actually bugging me since the beginning of this month? The fact that I am in need of someone I can love, who's not my parents or family, who's not just any friend. Someone I can just tell everything, who will listen, talk about themselves so I can listen, watch movies with me, go to dinner with me and just likes hanging out with me but for me, not for themselves. You know what I mean?

Since I went to London with my best friend I just kept thinking about it. And after my best friend got her first boyfriend it just hit me right between my eyes. I have no idea why I can't find mister right (yes, this definitely just turned into boy drama. ). Am I too fat? Is that it? Cause guess what?: I DON'T CARE. Take me as I am or just leave me alone. It's just that other thing that has kept me bugging me this past month and I'm afraid my bubble will burst if I don't get things like I want soon. I know, you can't rush love or something like that. But I wish I could....

The update of tonight: I watched Penelope  and I'm a bit happier now. I actually smiled after the movie ended. I learned that you have to like yourself the way you are and I do and I'm happy about that cause that's the first step to happiness, I hope. Don't listen to other people and just be who you are and do what makes you happy.

I hope I didn't scare you guys off, I just needed to write this down in the middle of the night. I do love you guys and I really hope I can keep the blogging up this next month(s). 

We'll see.

Goodnight.

Bye!
X

PS: this was my favorite song from Penelope. I hope you guys like it too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZTb8WxEW78